[Reflections] A Story of Two Women

As wishes pour in for Women's day, my thoughts turn to two women who have taught me all about life, with their own. You may wonder why it's 'Story' instead of 'Stories', as you will know in just a bit, that they are two very different individuals. Almost polar opposites, you might say! But their story is indeed one and here it is...

One was born in a remote village. Another was born in a well-known city. One grew up surrounded by people dabbling with ploughs, amidst mud and stones, harvesting food for the body. Another grew up surrounded by people dabbling with pens, amidst books and words, harvesting food for the mind. As they were growing up, one saw relatives of her father fighting for tiny pieces of land and one saw friends of her father, fighting over points-of-view! And so they grew up, with their strikingly different flavors.

As Daughters
Both had fathers, who loved their daughters and understood that the best thing he could give her was an education. Striving through a lot of hardship, the father in the village, put his only daughter through graduation and her education turned out to be in the practical domain of Economics. Another father, perhaps only struggling on the point of safety of letting his daughter study in a city, put her through graduation and her education was in spiritual domain of Tamil Literature. Economics sharpened the practicality of one's childhood experiences. Tamil made another delve deeper into the humanity of her childhood experiences. Both became much admired and much loved teachers.

As Wives
Then, one day, one married the man, who was to be my father. The other, married the man, who was to be my father-in-law. One was love-after-marriage and the other, love-before-marriage. Both men were atheists. My flexible mother went along with my father's principle of not believing. But my firm mother-in-law went deeper into her religious faith.

Life keeps us on our individual tracks in tiny, small ways too. My mother was the one who took care of all the finances and managed the home. With her ability to plan, organize and actually do any amount of physical work, she was my father's equal in the physical domain. My mother-in-law was a thinker and a creator. With her prowess in tamil philosophy and her creativity, she was my father-in-law's equal in the mental domain. Standing shoulder-to-shoulder to a man in a man's world, is never an easy thing and they both did that with excellence, in their own ways.

As Mothers
The practical one had two daughters and the spiritual one, two sons. In their individual happy lives, tragedy struck in different ways. One was sudden and immense, with fate striking a blow of death and taking away my father prematurely. There was my mother, with two young daughters, tearfully standing at the end of a road. How was she to be the father and the mother, in providing for her daughters and protecting them in this violent world?

Another tragedy was gradual and unnoticeable. For you cannot be a prolific writer of 50+ books and a lyricist of 5,000+ lyrics and also, be there all the time, for your family. It wasn't my father-in-law's fault. It was also a blow of fate, striking him with fame. My mother-in-law was increasingly alone and had to nurture the minds of these two young boys, all by herself. How was she to be the father and the mother, in disciplining her sons, in bringing them up as good men in this tricky world?

And how they showed the world that they could! Life had already given the skills they needed for their respective journeys. It was about harnessing those with a deep perception. My mother brought her daughters up, with her excellent financial planning through every step of the way, giving them a good education and marrying them off happily. My mother-in-law brought her sons up, with the best possible values and strong minds, making them such men that the world now looks at them, not just with awe, but with love.

Still, you don't get to go through life's hardships without getting yourself a few rough edges. Sometimes, I don't understand the negativity in my mother's lack-of-trust in people and have fights with her, on this count. In a few moments, it all melts in the understanding that these quick judgements of people and situations have protected me at many points in life. Also, at times, I cannot accept the unquestioning religious beliefs of my mother-in-law and have my disagreements with her. Then, I realize that it is because of this same strong, unmoving faith, that she conquered the odds of her life and instilled positivity in her son, my husband. As I observe and absorb the two very different qualities of these women, it dawns that this is life's way of teaching me, balance.

Truly glad that life has made me know, love and be inspired by these two women. To have leaned on that down-to-earth, patient rock of a mother and to have wafted in that reassuring breeze of a mother-in-law. My salute to their womanhood!

[Movies] Aarohanam - On the highest Note!

When the cyclone Thane struck the shores of Chennai, there was an unexpected and unfortunate personal loss! It was the loss of catching a good movie, that was leaving theatres that very week. Although unexplainable at the moment of experience, time does have a reason for everything. A very good one, it turned out! Having heard a lot of positive reviews on the movie, Madhan and I were sad to let it go unseen. By a magical serendipity, we met the director of the movie, Lakshmi Ramakrishnan, in a mutual friend's wedding last week. How time orchestrates these things in a way, that only it understands! She was next in line in the queue to meet the wedding couple. Even if we were separated by two more rows, we might have missed them. As we had done in our earlier meetings, we started talking about Aarohanam and she asked if we had seen it yet. Hearing the reply in the negative, she asked if we wanted to catch a show on Tuesday organized by Dreams India. Absolutely, we said, delighted to be finally seeing the movie.

As the person who introduced the movie said, "Many people missed this movie, and sadly, many theatres too missed this movie."  This show was meant to be the means to let a few people catch what they wanted to, but couldn't. Luck was to give us an added bonus of interacting with the director, at the end of the movie. These few moments where people queried her about the movie and the fascinating details that thereby emerged made me thank Thane, for its mysterious kindness!

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SPOILER ALERT - If there is even the slightest inkling to watch Aarohanam somehow, please stop at once and do come back, when you've experienced the movie.
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The movie was narrated the way life whispers our own story to us. Normally, it doesn't neatly begin at A and plod along till Z. It has the habit of throwing random things at the random moment, that somehow explains a puzzling something from the past. Likewise, the story unfolded in jigsaw pieces, that the director seamlessly completed in your mind's eye, as the final credits ran. Although obviously coming from an affluent family, she has caught the essence of someone living a poor and wretched life, in minute detail. As Director Bharathi Raja, who happened to watch the movie with us, quirkily put it, "I simply refuse to believe this person has directed this movie, given the intricate details of the poor protagonist's life. A life has been captured deeply, penetrating through many layers", applauded one of the best film-makers of authentic Tamil Cinema.

The spotlight was positioned on a woman from a poor background with a mental illness and a husband who did not understand her. But in the periphery, there are also sad stories of other women from other worlds.  One might ask, what could possibly be tragic about a woman who has achieved it all in her business career? What might even be remotely sad about a wife, who travels around the country with her decorated army husband? Seems there is. The woman who has achieved stupendous success in her business career may have an empty home to go to. The woman who travels the country with her husband may have put away her personal dreams and aspirations, to be with the man she married. When the lives of these women are placed in parallel, there is perspective. You may have every advantage such as a rich family, a happening career and end up with a hollow feeling in your heart. Or, you may have every disadvantage such as poverty, abandonment, mental illness and still, emerge winning over the challenges in life.

Now, coming to the central theme in the film - a mental illness. Time and again, we've seen this topic being abused, misinterpreted, ending up horrifying the viewer. It is indeed hard to find a movie that balances creativity and authenticity in presenting a mental illness. In Aarohanam, we have a clear winner. Let me introduce the illness with scenes carved on the mind because of the picture-perfect performance of actor Viji. In one frame, the protagonist wears a bright saree, puts a big red kumkum on her forehead and is smiling so dazzlingly, full of happiness and confidence. In another, her hair is lying all tangled and messed up, tears streaming down and she stares blankly at the wall. In one scene, she arranges everything beautifully, keeps the house so neat and organized. In another, she doesn't lift a finger when the same is in a complete mess. In one moment, full of energy, she does the work of ten people in ten minutes. In another frame, she cannot even rise from her bed and can only sit and stare at the wall. In one moment, she dances for her kids, laughs with them and teases them like a friend. In another, at the slightest provocation, she throws a bowl of curry onto her kid's plate. In one phase, she is capable of securing a hard-to-get loan and starting multiple enterprises to become a vegetable vendor, an LIC agent and a house-cleaner. In another phase, she doesn't have the inclination or the strength to talk to a single person. Two different people, you say? The very same person, oscillating like a pendulum between these two extremes. The pendulum rests at various points in the interval but never for long and especially never at the neutral centre.

Know someone like that? Suffered because you were not able to understand or cope with the extremities of this person. If you haven't already been introduced, meet Bipolar Disorder. This is an illness, which makes the person who has it believe at points that they are not just in heaven, but are Gods themselves and at points that they are not just in hell, but the worst possible sinner there. A standing ovation for the sensitivity and the solid research behind this movie!

What about the people surrounding this central character, this ball of fire and ice? Imagine you have a stable mind but are constantly being provoked by the eccentricities of the person suffering. The director brings out the surrounding characters, in a realistic way. The daughter who stands by her mother so proudly and responsibly, understanding that her mother, in spite of her mental illness, has done more for her, than her father with a stable mind. The son who wants his father's affection, but cannot live without his mother. Most of all, the husband, who has used the excuse of his wife's illness to seek a life elsewhere. As he so indignantly declares in the movie, "When men are seeking other wives when their wife is perfectly alright, why shouldn't I seek someone else when I'm fated with a person like you?" Even more interesting in this movie is the other wife, who taken up by guilt or regret, comes to the support of the first and ill wife. Women and their various dimensions have been so beautifully captured in this movie. All you women directors, with dreams in your eyes and burdens on your shoulders, do come on and sensitise the world with your deep sensibility, as this director has.

In the interactions afterward, there was a psychologist, who deals with these issues every day of her life, who remarked, "Awesome job with this movie. So rightly, the focus here is on the patient. But, it is my request that sometime you must focus on the difficult and support-less life of the caregiver." It is indeed the care-giver who is the caught in the cyclone of this illness, without a shelter nearby. Made me think that the ill are treated, but for the pain of watching someone you love suffer, is there any medicine?

And why Aarohanam? The director illuminated that, "Of the two musical notes, Avarohanam is the one that falls and Aarohanam is the one that rises. Here I wanted to capture the rising phase of the illness in that one momentous night, where she touches many lives". So meaningfully apt to capture the positives of this up-and-down illness. The final note in the movie brought forth how some of the greatest human beings have made amazing contributions to society, in spite of all the lows of their mind. Kudos to this director from our shores, for shattering the stigma of mental illness everywhere.

Although her very first attempt at movie-making, so glad that this director understood that the most rewarding journeys in life are not to a new place in the world or even, the universe. But rather to an unknown recess of a mind. It's despair and it's hope!

Subtitled Tamil Cinema | Playlist

Kadal's Keechan : Lyrics & Translation

[Experiences] All in the Name of Work!

"What do you do?", not "How do you do?", has always been the defining question asked of someone. I, for one, have tried to answer this, in ahem, so many ways! After nearly 15 years of meandering along a winding path with many dead ends, I am now looking back at it, with a laugh here, with a thought there and I invite you to join me in my walk backwards.

School:

Mind-Voice: "You see, my sister is a doctor. She's always roaming around with books, heavier than her. Why on earth, would I go through all that pain? Besides since I'm so great at Maths, always scoring centum in all my exams, undoubtedly, an engineer and where else but Anna University."

Wows: 

Obvious: Being the topper in school; Scoring a centum in Chemistry (I forbid you to ask me any formula!)

Precious: Scoring high in Tamil and English

Possible-Paths:

Actually: Anything and everything in the world

Really: Engineer and Doctor

Electronics and Communication Engineer:

                                   

Mind-Voice: "What am I doing here? All these machines, line drawings, workshop, ICs are freaking me out. I shouldn't be here. I am going to be a psychologist... mmm no wait, writer... mmm no wait IAS officer... no, no, no, social activist.... Okay, okay, I hear what you're telling me, I've started this, so I should finish it.... I still haven't decided what I'm going to do, but here is this software company calling me for an interview, let me attend it and see what happens. " 

Wows: 

Obvious: Having no arrears in all of my 8 semesters (I still don't understand how I achieved this feat!)

Precious: The only S(Excellent) grade I got, was in first semester in English; Meeting the guy who would put up with me through all my crazies!

Possible-Paths:
Actually: ME, MS, MBA.. again many things under the sun
Really: Electronics Engineer, Software Engineer, Software Engineer, Software Engineer (Not a typo!)

Software Engineer:

Mind-Voice: "I am just sitting here reading novels and newspapers. Just running these test scripts. Everyday I come and sit before this computer and the world thinks I am in a great job, but does this really make me happy?...  When will I go abroad? ... Now, I am here in the US, travelling, doing all the things I've always wanted to, but then why this emptiness that does not seem to go away, no matter what I do" 

Wows: 

Obvious: Gaining 5 years of software experience

Precious: Gaining the friendship of clients in Minnesota, USA.

Possible-Paths:
Actually: Law, Journalism, Theatre, Business, Gemstone Appreciation... (This is not fiction, but fact. Software has this unparalleled capacity to bring out from deep, the wild desires of people!)
Really: Program Analyst, Manager, Center Head, President

[I ended this phase by meeting and marrying the guy, I mentioned before. From this point onwards,  I seemed to do nothing "real" or "regular". I kept running fast in seemingly bizarre directions.]

Director, Mellinam Education:

The How:

I had quit Software for deep reasons like didn't have any meaning for me and on-the-surface reasons like too long a commute. Newly wed, I took on Madhan's wings and thought I could fly with those. It was later I realized, that if you want to fly, you have to grow your own. He wanted to start a school. So, I wanted it, too. From school to pre-school to creating our own educational material to a new-age Tamil rhyme book, we ended up with this novel product called iPaatti. With Haiku in me, we put in passionate and hard work to release this product. It got rave reviews. But what's more important in business is not the ability to produce, but to sell. And I didn't have that skill. As Madhan became busy with other roles and responsibilities, I, the new mother lacked the drive to keep this company going. A feeling of I'm not really doing much while having the great-sounding title of "Director" kept nagging me.

The Wow: 

Obvious: Setting-up a company; Being everything from the director to the office-boy!

Precious: The lesson that to truly be somewhere, I have to seek and chart my own path.

Qualified Education Agent Counsellor, Australia (QEAC)

The How:

When I realized that iPaatti wasn't doing it for Mellinam and me, tried to explore other options. One of it was taking up a QEAC Exam and helping Indian students choose the right course of studies in Australia. As I had been so confused about deciding my path, I had this noble intention of helping others decide. But then I finally got the meaning of the statement we hear during every airline travel, "Before you help others, please help yourself."

The Wow:

Obvious: Clearing a difficult exam with very short preparation

Precious: The confidence that I can take up any exam

MA(Education)

The How:

Again having started an Education company with just ideals, I wanted to equip myself with knowledge. So, on a twilight evening, walking in IIT, I decided to take up this MA(Education) course from IGNOU. A baby was to be born shortly but I decided to take this course bravely. Learnt a lot of great stuff. Was inspired and motivated by the IGNOU material. No person taught me, all my learning was from books and it happened to be the best education I had got so far in my life. It also introduced me to qualitative research, that I completely fell in love with. Exploring meaning from words was something after my own heart.

The Wow:

Obvious: Raising a baby and completing 10 papers in 1 year; Producing an original research work for my thesis.

Precious: The truth that it doesn't matter where you study, with whom you study, only how much you enjoy what you study.

UGC-NET

The How:

So fascinated I was, by my MA(Education), that I wanted to pursue higher studies and this exam was a requirement. Many people I talked to, said that I had to write the exam, multiple times, to clear it. I decided to give it one shot. Prepared 4 months for this exam. 

The Wow:

Obvious: Cleared it in the first attempt; Ability to be a lecturer anywhere in India for life.

Precious: To tell from personal experience, "You can prepare your way even to the moon."

International Journal Publication

The How:

Having truly enjoyed my research work, Madhan encouraged me strongly to publish my article. So pruned my 100 page dissertation to a 15 page journal article and submitted to an international journal. They accepted.

The Wow:

Obvious: Getting published in a international peer-reviewed academic journal.

Precious: The joy of writing, editing and being published.

PhD Aspirant

As in the beginning, when I wanted to take up engineering in Anna University, once again I made the mistake of wanting something for the sake of an institution. Now it  was a PhD(Humanities and Social Sciences) in IIT(Madras). After endless reading about action research, water pollution, I mixed a cocktail with these elements and my good intentions of cleaning up my city. Thus, I ended up with a very clear image of a very fuzzy idea! Surprisingly, I was shortlisted for an interview. My research proposal was very dramatic. I had envisioned doing action research with students of IIT and other Arts colleges towards cleaning up Chennai. They are not professors of IIT for nothing. After having the good fortune of entertaining them for a short while, I wasn't selected in the interview!

The first time in my entire educational journey, I had failed to get something I wanted. I crashed. Completely. In my scheme of things, I never saw this happening. There I was in my mind's eye, studying in IIT, doing some amazing research... I had put in so much hard work, sacrificing the time I had for my husband and my son. This shouldn't be happening to me, I thought. It took a very long while to get out of the feeling of dejection. Slowly, I climbed out. I saw all the reasons I didn't get into this. It was not about getting an education. It was once again for the wrong reasons and life knocked me out rightly this time. This was the best thing that happened to me, in this entire path.

After this long and complicated journey, turning back at every dead end, thinking it's towards something huge, I have finally discovered it's not about the magnitude of the degree you get, the institution you study or the place you work. It's about how you feel deep inside about the work you do. It may be a very small thing that fills you with immense satisfaction!

At this point, I feel I have found that small thing and unlike the rest, I feel this one is here to stay! Well, partly because, Madhan has threatened that if I don't stick to this chosen path, we are going to have five children and I am going to exclusively take care of them. No..........! But seriously, I am now growing my own wings to fly in my own sky.... and soon, I will take you with me.

[Reflections] A Moment of Madness

(A person whom I've known from my childhood and whom I have admired since, ended her life recently. I wish I could have said these to her, when she lived)

Have you stood there, on the edge of a very deep cliff, real or imaginary, thinking "This is it", "There is no point in going on" and "I just want to end it right now and here"?

If you have never ever, consider that you've lived a very fortunate life and applaud yourself for your amazing attitude.

For the rest of you, if you have wanted to end it all, at some point or other, for some thing or the other, as I have, applaud yourself louder for being there, facing it in the eye and walking away unscathed. Not many have flown free through these fierce jaws of death.

This is in mourning and memory of all those desperate souls, who have taken to end this life, with the music still in them. I fervently wish I could have whispered these words as they took the fatal step. It is also to you and to many through you. Tomorrow you may stand in that position and I hope you will hear these words, loud and clear and throw away that thing that stands between you and life.

In the first place, why are you standing here and now, with these thoughts...

Is it because of a failed exam - What if, in a few hours, days, weeks or months, it wouldn't matter whether you passed or failed that exam but only whether you decided to live or not.

Is it because of debts insurmountable? Can I show you a future where you can be the owner of riches unimagined? Just if you just invest the energy you are putting into dying into living.

Is it because of a love unreturned? What if there was love and happiness more than you thought possible, waiting around the corner? Why, even from the same person who refused you?

Is it because of a death unconquerable? What if I could show that the one you loved so much wants you to live the life, as you would have with him or her? What if truly loving them means living with their memory?

Is it because of a vague feeling that pulls you down to somewhere deeper than the deepest pit on earth and burns and ravages your mind until you feel there is nothing but dust up there and you want this body to meet the same fate? What if I told you there are medicines and there are people you can talk to, that will wipe away these thoughts, as if it were a thing of the past?

Believe me, no matter how humongous your reason may seem, it is just as silly in the end, if it makes you end it all.

Are the voices in your head whispering...

"You are a waste of space. Of no use to anyone","You just hurt everyone around you. They will rejoice and be relieved that you're gone","No one loves you. Every one has rejected you."......

The one that needs to die today is not you, but that voice in your head. Don't kill yourself. Kill it.

Do you think your death is an answer to everything...

If you could see the thousands gathering at your doorstep crying, wishing that they had called you, that they had come to see you, at the moment you chose this fate... some stranger you smiled at, some friend you hugged ages ago, some relative whose life you changed. If only.

If you could see the guilt, the shame, the pain of your family, in a million multiples of whatever you may be feeling now. If you could see the tears of your children, born or yet to be born, if you could see the agony of the loved one, you love or are yet to love. If only.

If you could see the magic still in you. If you could see the empires you can build, the books you can pen, the lives you can touch. If only.

Walk out of the black prison of your mind to blue skies... to a beautiful, meaningful happiness you never thought possible.

[Movies] Naan Ee - Fly high!

Readers of this blog are aware that sometimes even a rocket's buzz doesn't rouse me enough to write. Surprisingly, it's a fly and it's war-cry!... And here I was thinking, "What? A revenge-story about a fly - Surely not (in) my cup of tea!"

Puns apart, the movie was a class apart! The last time I felt so high and happy because of our sibling-species in movies, was Ratatouille. The makers could have easily seen this as a super-hero fly, capable of anything. But no, it is just a common house-fly, that has a hard life in this human world. In intricate, logical advances, the fly conquers the heart of even a cynical skeptic.

A bold attempt and a sincere one, at that. The devil is in the details, they say and so is this 'Naan Ee'. I would say that everyone, from the director, cinematographer, dialogue-writer, lyric-writer to the animator, involved in the movie became a micro-artist, for it was from every angle, etched in a fly's perspective.

Odes should be written about the apt characterization of the roles in the movie. Firstly, in portraying the female actor as a micro-sculptor.

 ["நுண்சிலை செய்திடும் பொன் சிலையே/ பென்சிலை சீவிடும் பெண் சிலையே"

"A micro-sculpting gold statue/ A pencil-sharpening girl statue"]

Then, in the adorable charm of the male lead. His life is so short but it doesn't seem so, for what are we, but our soul and will?! This shines through every action of the fly and that is the true success of the movie. Not to miss, the hated villain! We've been thrilled to see villains pounded to our satisfaction in Indian movies, galore. Still, this actor takes it to a whole new level, in the duel between him and the fly. Likewise, even miniature roles bring jumbo laughs, in the end.

The camera and the chemistry makes you fall in love with the leads' love and feel fully its poignancy in being realized only in another birth. 

                        [Image courtesy - viewtamil.com]

"நீ திரைகள் மாட்டினால்

உள் அறைகள் பூட்டினால்

உன் இதயமூலையில்

நானே இருப்பேன்."

"You may hang those curtains

And close the doors within,

But in your heart's corner,

I will still remain!"

The movie is intricately and beautifully interwoven. In a fluid flow, you see the music in the dialogues, you see the lyrics in the cinematography and so on... A true treat, that makes you cheer at every strike. All emotions are aroused, but like caring mothers, the makers have ensured that you leave with a smile. Also, a glow in your heart that Indian movies are starting to do class things and reaching the mass too!  

                    [Image courtesy - http://www.sattigadu.com]

In making this fly, they have taken us on a journey to find that, what ultimately moves any man, is his mind and with that, no one is a small fry. A complete pleasure to simply sit back and enjoy how this bug bucks you up!