October 22, 2012

[Reflections] A Moment of Madness

(A person whom I've known from my childhood and whom I have admired since, ended her life recently. I wish I could have said these to her, when she lived)

Have you stood there, on the edge of a very deep cliff, real or imaginary, thinking "This is it", "There is no point in going on" and "I just want to end it right now and here"?

If you have never ever, consider that you've lived a very fortunate life and applaud yourself for your amazing attitude.

For the rest of you, if you have wanted to end it all, at some point or other, for some thing or the other, as I have, applaud yourself louder for being there, facing it in the eye and walking away unscathed. Not many have flown free through these fierce jaws of death.

This is in mourning and memory of all those desperate souls, who have taken to end this life, with the music still in them. I fervently wish I could have whispered these words as they took the fatal step. It is also to you and to many through you. Tomorrow you may stand in that position and I hope you will hear these words, loud and clear and throw away that thing that stands between you and life.

In the first place, why are you standing here and now, with these thoughts...

Is it because of a failed exam - What if, in a few hours, days, weeks or months, it wouldn't matter whether you passed or failed that exam but only whether you decided to live or not.

Is it because of debts insurmountable? Can I show you a future where you can be the owner of riches unimagined? Just if you just invest the energy you are putting into dying into living.

Is it because of a love unreturned? What if there was love and happiness more than you thought possible, waiting around the corner? Why, even from the same person who refused you?

Is it because of a death unconquerable? What if I could show that the one you loved so much wants you to live the life, as you would have with him or her? What if truly loving them means living with their memory?

Is it because of a vague feeling that pulls you down to somewhere deeper than the deepest pit on earth and burns and ravages your mind until you feel there is nothing but dust up there and you want this body to meet the same fate? What if I told you there are medicines and there are people you can talk to, that will wipe away these thoughts, as if it were a thing of the past?

Believe me, no matter how humongous your reason may seem, it is just as silly in the end, if it makes you end it all.

Are the voices in your head whispering...

"You are a waste of space. Of no use to anyone","You just hurt everyone around you. They will rejoice and be relieved that you're gone","No one loves you. Every one has rejected you."......

The one that needs to die today is not you, but that voice in your head. Don't kill yourself. Kill it.

Do you think your death is an answer to everything...

If you could see the thousands gathering at your doorstep crying, wishing that they had called you, that they had come to see you, at the moment you chose this fate... some stranger you smiled at, some friend you hugged ages ago, some relative whose life you changed. If only.

If you could see the guilt, the shame, the pain of your family, in a million multiples of whatever you may be feeling now. If you could see the tears of your children, born or yet to be born, if you could see the agony of the loved one, you love or are yet to love. If only.

If you could see the magic still in you. If you could see the empires you can build, the books you can pen, the lives you can touch. If only.

Walk out of the black prison of your mind to blue skies... to a beautiful, meaningful happiness you never thought possible.


  1. Lavanya RajalingamOctober 23, 2012 at 2:06 PM

    I know u write well...but this one was magnificient....it makes one look beyond...wonderful thoughts and a wonderful thought to pen down nd share the same...

  2. I wish it was longer...really soothing! I wanted to read more and more ^_^ Really awesome!

  3. Kudos Nandini, for a wonderful, timely, well thought-out blog post. You deserve plaudits for not only a poignant write-up, but, for the sheer guts to take a topic that many will try to stay away from. மிக்க நன்றி!

    For those, who are giftedly normal, "suicide" is taboo. For those that are unfortunately disturbed, it is a constant enticement to take a plunge into a sinister, dark valley of death. Welcome to the pandemic of our times :(

    Either way one looks at it, this is a malady that shows no signs of abatement. I really appreciate you for candidly addressing the topic with respect, sincerity, and absolute gravitas.

    Here are my favorite picks:

    "...applaud yourself louder for being there, facing it in the eye and walking away unscathed...."

    -- I felt like a slap in the face, because, it is a sincere reminderto everyone, of what is being discussed here. Thanks for that.

    "Not many have flown free through these fierce jaws of death."

    -- That was a fanstastic line! I see nothing but sincerity and earnestness in this line. Only folks, who can EMPATHIZE (not just sympathize) can write powerful words like these.

    ".....with the music still in them."

    -- Wow, what a euphonious, poetically pragmatic line you have there! If only, those who go through the storms can pause to listen to that throb, that music that continuously plays in them, every time they breathe and their heart pulsates, how different the outcome will be! Once again, that is a brilliant line.

    "....Just if you just invest the energy you are putting into dying into living...."

    -- I used to say, "டேய், வாழ்றதுக்கு, வெறும் மூச்சுக்காத்தும், நுரையீரலும் இருந்தா பத்தாது. வெறித்தனமா வாழணும்னு நெனக்கணும். இல்லாட்டி, பல விசயங்கள், வாழ்க்கையோட விருப்பையே வெறுப்பா மாத்தி, நம்மை தள்ளிடும். 'அடுக்கி வரினும் அழிவிலான்'னு சும்மாவா வள்ளுவர் சொன்னார்? காதலிக்கணும். வாழ்க்கையில் என்ன வந்தாலும், வாழணும்னு வெறித்தனமா காதலிக்கணும்." And that's the same ethos I find, where you say, "invest the energy you are putting into dying into living..." Brilliant. Thanks.

    "Dum, spiro, spero" - That Latin adage is the motto of my neighboring state of South Carolina. It means, "as long as I breathe, so long will I hope."

    In the New Testament, St. Paul beautifully puts it in Romans 5:3-5 "suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us,..."

    "Walk out of the black prison of your mind to blue skies... to a beautiful, meaningful happiness you never thought possible."

    -- Absolutely, brilliant ending.
    So, when are you going to publish your book? Your cacoethes is very impressive. Kudos -- not just for the words written -- but for the overarching ethos it exuded for a cause worth fighting every ounce of our lives.

    God bless.

    PS: While this blog is addressed for mature adults, the truth is, even extremely depressed children attempt this unthinkable as early as 5 years of age. Was privy to one such case recently that came up before our Panel at the Juvenile Court. It is very sad. We need to be cognizant of these issues from those innocent, hapless children too :(

  4. vow.... wonderful expressions, transfusion confidence to readers, inspirations coming out from right person... its amazing to read my sister's words full of pain even though it gives lots of confidence to all readers and persons in dilemma.. great done nandhini... this is dr muthuselvan..

  5. A GREAT WORK!!!!!Really a nice work mrs.nandhini karky.....It reflects the confidence in you and the one that should be developed in everyone to shine in their life:):)

  6. beautifully written! and about something nobody ever wants to talk about

  7. Kudos, to your amazing choice of words! I have been there on the other side once and here reading your blog makes me relate a lot to what I went thru at that point. True, not all get another chance to live! You should write a lot, keep inspiring people like me! :)

  8. "invest the energy you are putting into dying into living" >> inspiring!!! keep writing.. :)